Today we're excited to share the top 5 things you'll need for the butthead invasion from Jerry Mahoney, author of Buttheads From Outer Space! Read on for more about Jerry and his book, plus a giveaway!
Meet Jerry Mahoney!
Jerry Mahoney is the author of the series My Rotten Stepbrother Ruined Fairy Tales. He is located in the city of Los Angeles on the planet Earth, along with a husband and two children who are most likely human. His butt is just where you'd expect it to be, thank you very much. Find out more at jerrymahoneybooks.com.
My best friend Lloyd and I had the perfect plan.
We started a blog to invite aliens to come to Earth and hang out―but only with us. That way, they wouldn't have to meet any boring world leaders or get cut open by scientists or anything like that. We'd just chill out, eat junk food, and play video games together. Sweet, right? And it worked! Two aliens showed up one night in the bathroom of my favorite restaurant, and we snuck them home to my room.
The problem is, they're total buttheads! Literally. They have butts on their heads, and they talk in farts. They're rude, disgusting, and they love Earth so much, they just invited 70 billion of their friends to join them here.
Now it's up to us―two sixth graders with B-pluses in science―to save the planet from the sickest extraterrestrials in the universe. (Preferably without my parents finding out.)
Sorry, everyone. Better get used to talking out of your butts, because we're all probably doomed...
5 Things You'll Need For the Butthead Invasion
Warning: This planet is about to be taken over by aliens. Not just any aliens, but aliens who have butts on their heads. They are very gross, and their official language is fart. Soon, they will be your neighbors, your teachers and your bosses at lame, low-paying jobs even worse than what your parents do for a living now.
... unless of course, best friends Lloyd and Josh can somehow stop them.
But don't count on it. They're just two sixth-graders with B-pluses in science. What are the odds they can save us all?
So, since the buttheads will probably be our foul-smelling, disgusting overlords very soon, here are a few things you might want to have on hand for when they arrive. It will make the unpleasantness of them destroying our planet slightly less unpleasant. We hope.
1. Video games
Buttheads come from a planet where all the biggest problems of the universe have been solved. No one ever gets sick, there's no global warming, and they've figured out how to play tic- tac-toe so it's not always a tie. Sounds nice, but there's a big downside. Their greatest butt-minds have spent so much time working on these important matters, they never got around to creating video games.
That's why they love Earth so much. Their first trip here was in 1984, and they got totally hooked on Pac-Man. When they come back to visit Josh and Lloyd today, they're hoping to be introduced to Pac-Man's wife, Ms. Pac-Man! Of course, they're about to find out humans have come a long way as a life form since the days of old-school gaming. Josh and Lloyd get them so hooked on iPhone and Playstation games that they never want to leave Earth.
Unfortunately, that's also why they decide to take over our planet. The world peace they enjoy at home is nice, but it's no match for Mario Kart or Minecraft. Since we can't possibly overpower this superior alien race, your best bet is to distract them with enough cool games that they forget to annihilate you. Start planning now. Tell your parents that you need to have all the latest game systems so that when the buttheads take over, they'll destroy you last.
Some other Earth products the buttheads never got around to inventing include high fructose corn syrup, soy lecithin and... mmm, artificial flavor. When they discover all of those things in one delicious snack food, they're hooked! They eat all the Oreos they can get their butts on. (Literally... their mouths are in the spot where humans have their butts. So when they sit down to eat, they sit down on their food.)
The way buttheads show appreciation for a good meal is to barf it up and enjoy it again. And again. And again. Over and over, until all the flavor is gone. So giving them a bag of Oreos is a great way to keep them occupied for a while. They'll probably eat it nine or ten times before it loses its flavor and just starts to taste like stomach acid. You can use that time to beg for
mercy, pack some clean underwear or maybe find another inhabitable planet to move to once the buttheads take over ours.
Of course, if you don't have any Oreos on hand, microwaved slugs will also do the trick as well. Yum!
Everyone knows Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb and Grok the caveman invented fire, but let's face it. Next to iPhones, those inventions are garbage. That's because iPhones contain pretty much every other worthwhile invention ever -- they're a camera, a calculator and, best of all, a way to stream skateboarding fail videos on mute during lame school assemblies.
Buttheads may not have invented iPhones, but just like you can hand one to a newborn baby and they'll instantly figure out how to disable the parental filters, buttheads take to iPhones immediately. They turn out to be masters in buying in-app purchases, and they have a unique gift for being able to fix cracked screens by shoving them between their butt cheeks.
So when the aliens invade, use your iPhone to impress them, to text out "this suxx" to your friends or to snapchat your last words to all of humanity. Just don't let your parents get your hands on an iPhone, or they'll waste the battery making "phone calls," spending their final moments shouting, "What? You're cutting out! Hello? Hello?"
Proper iPhone use comes so naturally for everyone from babies to buttheads, but parents will just never understand how to use them.
4. Plastic baggies
Buttheads can do lots of cool tricks. They can send messages to their home planet by emitting giant fart bubbles. They can speak every language on Earth, from Kangaroo to Old Lady. And possibly coolest of all, they can pop their eyes out and use them as remote cameras that transmit images back to their brains. Want to show an alien what your school is like? Just have him yank out one of his eyes, then carry it around in your backpack all day. He'll see whatever you see, without ever leaving the comfort and safety of your bedroom.
You'll just need one important thing to pull off this neat maneuver. As you might imagine, when you remove an eye from its socket, a whole mess of gunk, goo and corpuscles comes with it. You probably don't want that touching your backpack, so just seal the eye up in a plastic baggie. (Spend a little extra for the Sure-Seal UltraLock zipper -- trust us on that one.) Then, you can take the eye anywhere. You can even toss it around with your friends and have a game of catch with it. Buttheads think this is fun.
One word of caution: be sure to remind your butthead visitors that human eyes do not have this function. As fun as it may sound to them, our eyes should not be removed from our heads for any reason, whether or not you have a plastic baggie to transfer them to.
5. Squirrel Spit
Humans basically have two ways to go to the bathroom, which, when we don't want to be too gross about it, we call Number One and Number Two. Buttheads, on the other hand, have 142 ways to go to the bathroom. (Some are just for special occasions.) One of the most common ways is Number Four, which means their entire body melts down into a shapeless, oozing mess the color of a burnt sienna crayon. They often enter this excretory state together with other buttheads, and all their Number Four mixes into one big blob. The biggest problem with Number
Four is that after the buttheads go back to their normal shape, there's always some Number Four left behind.
It's a sticky, smelly mess, and it's impossible to clean. Blech!
That's where squirrel spit comes in. No one knows why or how, but the one substance in the entire universe capable of dissolving Number Four is the saliva of those furry Earth fleabags we call squirrels. Squirrels love the taste of Number Four and will devour any piles of it they find, which is a relief when you find a ton of Number Four all over the trunk of your parents' car.
So fear not. As long as you have squirrels around, you should be able to get rid of any Number Four messes that pop up.
Just keep an eye on the squirrels. Number Four seems to have a strange effect on them...
While you're gathering these items, don't panic. There's always a chance Lloyd and Josh will figure out a way to save us all. Right? After all, there's a chance monkeys will invent banana-powered cars and win the Indy 500, so you never know.
To find out, be sure to read the whole hilariously weird story in Buttheads From Outer Space, by Jerry Mahoney (www.jerrymahoneybooks.com), landing on Earth on March 6, 2018.
Buttheads From Outer Space
By: Jerry Mahoney
Release Date: March 13, 2018
Three winners will receive a signed paperback copy of Buttheads From Outer Space (US only).