Today we're excited to spotlight Buttheads From Outer Space by Jerry Mahoney! Read on for more about Jerry and his book, plus an excerpt, and a giveaway!
Meet Jerry Mahoney!
Jerry Mahoney is the author of the series My Rotten Stepbrother Ruined Fairy Tales. He is located in the city of Los Angeles on the planet Earth, along with a husband and two children who are most likely human. His butt is just where you'd expect it to be, thank you very much. Find out more at jerrymahoneybooks.com.
My best friend Lloyd and I had the perfect plan.
We started a blog to invite aliens to come to Earth and hang out―but only with us. That way, they wouldn't have to meet any boring world leaders or get cut open by scientists or anything like that. We'd just chill out, eat junk food, and play video games together. Sweet, right? And it worked! Two aliens showed up one night in the bathroom of my favorite restaurant, and we snuck them home to my room.
The problem is, they're total buttheads! Literally. They have butts on their heads, and they talk in farts. They're rude, disgusting, and they love Earth so much, they just invited 70 billion of their friends to join them here.
Now it's up to us―two sixth graders with B-pluses in science―to save the planet from the sickest extraterrestrials in the universe. (Preferably without my parents finding out.)
Sorry, everyone. Better get used to talking out of your butts, because we're all probably doomed...
As Lloyd and I wondered what to do, we felt three hands reach out and push us aside. The alien stepped forward, bent over, and spoke through his butt mouth in a perfect Japanese accent.
Lloyd and I were both majorly impressed. “Your butt speaks Japanese?”
“Yes,” he said. “I am fluent in Earth.”
“Earth? You mean like every language people have?”
“Not just people. Dogs, porcupines, caterpillars. I know every language spoken on your planet. I can even understand when grown-ups talk about politics.”
“Wow! You guys are geniuses!” I said.
“I have been speaking to you in adolescent boy dialect. It’s a combination of rap lyrics, language we picked up from your blog, and dialogue from sitcoms starring obnoxious teenagers. We on fleek, yo?”
“No one really says that anymore,” I said.
“We may need to do some updating, home slice.” Then, he extended two of his hands, holding one out to me and one to Lloyd. “Wanna know my name?” he asked.
“You are?” Lloyd wondered.
“You seem pretty cool,” I said.
He stared at us confused, then burst out laughing. “Oh, right! I forgot that IAmAWeenieBurger means something different in your language. On our planet, IAmAWeenieBurger is a very common name, like Mike or Joe. Some of our finest minds are named IAmAWeenieBurger.”
From inside the stall, a toilet flushed, and out waddled the other alien. “This is my buddy,” IAmAWeenieBurger said, “Doodoofartmama.”
Lloyd laughed. “Doodoofartmama? Is that a common name on your planet, too?” “Nah,” IAmAWeenieBurger said. “His parents are a little weird.”
Doodoofartmama held up his hands for a high five, but I backed away. “Um, on our planet we wash our hands after going to the bathroom.”
Doodoofartmama turned toward IAmAWeenieBurger, confused, and he farted.
IAmAWeenieBurger farted back at him.
“Sorry, yo,” IAmAWeenieBurger said. “The doodoo man doesn’t speak Earth as well as I do, so I translated to our language.”
“You speak in farts?” Lloyd said. “Gross!”
“Well, we think it’s gross that when humans talk, everyone can see all the nasty stuff in your mouth,” IAmAWeenieBurger said. “Tongues? Blecch!” “Touché,” I nodded.
“But how do you know what anybody’s saying?” Lloyd asked. “Aren’t all farts pretty much the same?”
IAmAWeenieBurger laughed so loud he farted again. “You humans really are so simple. Farts can be distinguished based on a complex assessment of pitch, tone, and duration. I should know. I studied fartguistics in buttiversary. Oh, plus they all smell different.”
“You speak in smells?”
“Yes! If I want to say, ‘I am delighted to make your acquaintance, kind sir!’ the smell that comes out is like a combination of earwax and prune juice. FRRT!”
“Or if I want to say, ‘What a lovely planet you have here, Earthlings!’ I blast out a butt bomb not unlike an elderly middle school teacher’s perfume. FRRT!”
Out came the worst stink known to humankind. It smelled exactly like my math teacher, Mrs. Schermerhorn. I started gagging, just like I did every time Mrs. Schermerhorn walked right by my desk. “How do you say ‘I think I’m going to throw up’?”
“That one actually smells like warm cinnamon buns. FRRT!” In an instant, Lloyd and I were surrounded by the sweet odor of icing-drizzled baked goodness. I would never have guessed it was produced by an alien’s rear end.
“Mmmm!” Lloyd said as he savored the scent. “You really are an advanced species!” I added.
Buttheads From Outer Space
By: Jerry Mahoney
Release Date: March 13, 2018
Three winners will receive a signed paperback copy of Buttheads From Outer Space (US only).